


Never the Same

by dewekbwankies (suicidalzombie)



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Werewolf, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Other, Panic Attacks, Werewolf Stiles Stilinski
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-15
Updated: 2013-08-15
Packaged: 2017-12-23 13:33:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/927056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suicidalzombie/pseuds/dewekbwankies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place in an AU 'verse (link to come). Scott, who killed himself a year ago, was brought back by Peter with the promise that he would take the bite, allow Peter to shape him into the ultimate Beta. Stiles wants to right all of the wrongs he made as a new beta; starting with finding a way to bring Allison back because now the Argents know which pack was responsible for their daughters death and they won't stop until the monster responsible is dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never the Same

**Author's Note:**

> Never the Same (TW - R - AU) Stiles/Peter (implied)  
> Trigger warning: panic attacks, suicide (mention of)  
> Beta'd: unbeta'd because I couldn't find one

**  
PART ONE.**

  
Stiles never forgot panic attacks. It seems like the bite didn't take away everything. Sometimes he would be in the middle of something entirely mundane and they would hit. For awhile they were gone, but ever since Scott had died, they seemed to become a weekly occurrence. Luckily, Stiles was as good at hiding them as Derek was at hiding any feelings except anger and anything stemming off of that.

When Stiles' mother was sick, the panic attacks first started. Maybe it was the fact that subconsciously he knew something was wrong. Very wrong. It was to a point where, once Stiles was ten, he told his dad he knew how medication worked and what dosages were proper and that not only could he administer his own adderall, but he could administer his own klonopin.

It was at age ten where Stiles also sat down with his dad and convinced him that panic attacks could not kill him and that he would be okay. He didn't need an inhaler like Scott did for his asthma, and that they would go away usually in ten or fifteen minutes. Stiles' dad stopped rushing into Stiles' bedroom when he had them and Stiles was able to work through them on his own. The first time Scott found out about them was the first day of high school, when they both got on the lacrosse team and Stiles had been so shocked that he had a panic attack right there in the locker room.

The weird, lanky kid with the cherub face that always seemed to sport some 'walked into a door' bruise (Stiles was sure his name was Isaac Lahey, and once he heard a girl refer to him as "Isaac Lay-me with that face" but nothing ever came of it), was the one to kind of hover as Scott was kneeling beside Stiles, trying to coax him into breathing and focusing on anything but the initial panic. The way Scott's own mother would help him through an attack in the terrifying moments before the inhaler did it's job and sometimes, the residual panic afterwards.

Jackson had made a joke to Danny about how 'this is what our team was gonna be like' and the Coach, never once to not notice a disturbance, made the decision to permanently bench both Scott (no one wanted the asthmatic kid on the field) and Stiles. For as much energy as Stiles had, he was still a spaz and not what the coach wanted. So Isaac Lahey was up, Jackson and Danny and some other guys Stiles didn't get a chance to know.

  
× × × × × ×

  
The real reason Stiles practically burned down the kitchen was that he was working through one of his mother's cookie recipes, making it exactly how he remembered her making it when his vision blurred. He could taste the salty tang of tears in the back of his throat before they even fell and by then Stiles was gripping the counter, having dropped his mixing spoon.

The timer on the stove looked blurry and Stiles slid to the floor to try and ground himself, both hands and feet pressed firmly into the linoleum. The heat of the oven beside him kept him grounded more than the floor did and he closed his eyes against the wet blurriness. Tried to focus on 'four-square breathing' or 'box breathing' as the therapy he'd once seen taught him.

He shifted position, sat as straight as he could against the kitchen cupboards, with his feet pressed against the floor and his hands in his lap. He aligned them overtop one another, resisting the urge to clasp his fingers together. The idea was to be at ease. Even though he could feel tremors wracking his body, he still tried to focus, breathing in through his nose, counting slowly to four in his head as he inhaled, allowing the oxygen to get deep into his lungs. It was easier now, as a Lycan, whereas before his body would seize and panic more, thinking he was trying to deprive it of oxygen.

Only then did he open his mouth and slowly exhale on the count of four, holding the exhale for another count of four and he could already feel himself relaxing. It was another eight repetitions of this before Stiles smelled smoke and opened his eyes, seeing the entire kitchen filled with a haze, and seconds later, the smoke alarm went off, followed by the one upstairs and the one in the basement until the entire house was bleeping incessantly, ruining his focus.

He got up and yanked open the stove, seeing the cookie pan covered in black blobs, half of which were on fire and the mixing bowl which he had dropped onto the stove had been the actual culprit: it was spilling over the exhaust vent in one of the burners, the bowl a melted blob of plastic, semi on fire to match the cookies. Stiles reacted as if in slow motion, getting the baking pan into the sink with the cold water tap on, not enough to spray up into the curtains above the window, but to put the fire out. He used a pot lid and an oven mitt to smother the fire on the stove. Only once it was out did he pry the plastic and mix from the stove and put that in the sink as well.

Not wanting the fire department to show, he began opening up windows as well as the front and back doors of the house, then dragged two fans upstairs from the basement to blow smoke out the doors.

His dad was going to be pissed but he'd say he was distracted. Not that he had a panic attack that nearly set the house on fire. He was already on thin ice, what with the curfew and the fact that his dad didn't seem to into the fact that his werewolf son (sometimes, Stiles was sure his dad didn't quite believe) was 'in with' Derek Hale 'and who knew who else?'

  
× × × × × ×

  
The sleep over had been a strange idea, but Stiles wanted to see his best friend and Scott was entirely too eager to have things as they were, so less than a week after Scott was brought back to them the sleepover was planned: lots of pizza, their favourite sodas and all the video games and movies they could watch in a night. Sleep be damned.

Scott's fatigue almost put a damper on things up until he nearly fell and Stiles was there to grab him, wishing so hard that he could fix things that somehow, he seemed to unlock his own ability of transference, but not for pain, but Scott's exhaustion. His feelings of malaise. It was a surprise, to see his veins turn a funny grey-black from where his hands touched Scott and afterwards he felt funny himself. His brain felt foggy and he was a little out of it, but that seemed to be a small price to pay considering Scott suddenly looked less pale, moved less slowly and woozily.

They enjoyed the rest of their night, polishing off all four boxes of pizza, too many two litre bottles of their favourite sodas and after a 12 hour gaming session, Scott finally passed out sometime around six in the morning. Stiles had used his new ability each time Scott felt like hell, and later, when Scott fell asleep, Stiles sent a text to Derek explaining what had happened and saying he wanted to learn more about his abilities, and soon.

They made plans for a few days from now, since it was something the entire pack should learn about and could be a part of some training exercise. Stiles asked if Scott and Lydia should be present, and Derek reminded him that bite or not, the two humans were still pack.

  
After the night where Scott stayed over and Stiles realised he could, in a way, do a form of the pain transference he'd known about except with energy, wondered just how much of the darkness that swirled around Scott's brain he could truly take away. While his best friend was acting as if nothing had changed, there were peaks in his heart rate unrelated to anything else. Those little ticks when someone was lying or hiding something. Maybe it was something that would take time, but he wanted Scott to go back to school feeling fine, not with a lingering memory of what had happened. Stiles knew he couldn't remove the memory of what Scott had done to himself, of the words that had been exchanged at the Hale estate and everything of those nights. But he could try his best.

His laptop was upstairs, and Stiles really wished he'd started carrying it around so he didn't have to go upstairs. He needed it to do this thing called research and Googling. He could use his iPad but it, too, is upstairs and to this day Stiles still couldn't spend a lot of time in his bedroom. He had a vivid imagination and while the carpet had been redone and a cleaning company had come through a few times, he still couldn't forget. He could faintly smell the blood even though it had been washed over multiple times and with some acrid-smelling cleanser.

It was one of his earliest memories as a wolf and sometimes he wished that memory could be removed. Not the part where he killed Allison because that was a lesson. But the part where his best friend killed himself in Stiles' safe place, his little sanctuary. In a way, he was surprised Scott seemed to forgive him so easily or maybe that was something Scott was faking as well. It was one of the reasons he stayed at the pack house a lot, or tried to, without being caught in the midst of whatever Erica and Isaac were trying to get in on with Derek. Those nights he ran the woods or tried to find somewhere else to go.

While Scott wanted to forget the whole thing entirely, Stiles couldn't leave well enough alone. Alongside wanting to find a way to make Scott magically feel better like, as of yesterday, he needed to talk to him. They needed to talk about what happened so that it wouldn't be the pink elephant in the room.

And Stiles definitely wanted it to be something talked about before Scott had to keep up his end of the deal with Peter.

 

While Scott mulled over his decision, when best to take the bite and really, telling his mom won't be a problem since Stiles' dad already knows and he's pretty sure Scott's mom won't have an epic freakout. Stiles warned him that the further away from the full moon the better for his transition because it gives him more time to prepare. To not make the same mistake Stiles did, and Stiles laid heavy emphasis on Scott to LISTEN when he is told something, because the older wolves most definitely know more. Especially about being new.

  
The week Scott is supposed to make his big decision, Erica comes into the pack house being held up by Isaac. She is trying her best not to show how much pain she is in but she has a wolfsbane-tipped arrow to the leg (Stiles has to resist making a Skyrim joke) and Isaac is nearly having a panic attack of his own while the loft briefly becomes a surgery room with front row seating.

Once the threat to Erica's body is diminished, Isaac begins to ask questions, and from there it escalates. His curiosity became anger and it is a surprise. It mounted rather quickly. At first Isaac is blaming Derek: that Derek should've told them that there were hunters living in Beacon Hills, not just that hunters existed and for a reason. Then Isaac shifts the blame to the fact that humans were hanging around the loft, that maybe the humans were being tracked and that was how these hunters figured out who was part of the pack and who wasn't.

Around that time Lydia insisted that she and Scott shouldn't be hanging around the loft as humans because clearly it is unsafe now. She collects her things, has her purse on her arm, car keys in hand and even Scott is standing, gathering his things but Peter stops them all. He descends from his perch on the spiral stairs, speaking before Derek can.

"No one is going to leave here tonight," Peter said carefully, and Derek crossed his arms, watching his uncle as he attempted to take over the situation. In truth, Derek is just a tiny bit curious to see how this might end up.

Everyone is silent and still, watching as Peter crossed the loft and cornered Stiles right up against the 'time out' corner. He invades Stiles' space until the beta is clearly uncomfortable and when Stiles looks up at him in pure defiance, looking ready to open his mouth and spew out something sarcastic, Peter halts him in his tracks: he brings up something Stiles himself wasn't quite clear on: the colour of his eyes. Their colour when he shifts.

"Have you seen both Erica's and Isaac's eyes when they shift, on the full moon? What colour, are they? Derek chains the three of you up like dogs. I'm sure that you're thinking of something other than just sex."

Stiles hates hates hates the fact that Peter is even allowed to stay here. He doesn't answer and starts to slip past him when Peter roughly pushes him back into the corner he's in.

"What colour are their eyes, Stiles?" Peter repeats. No one has moved an inch and Stiles is beginning to get that itch when someone gets too close, back when he had it out for Isaac out of pure jealousy and only wanted to fight the beta.

"Blue," Stiles finally said, never once breaking eye contact with Peter. He isn't afraid of him the way Isaac seems to be. He isn't trusting of him, though, and that seems to be something he shares with nearly everyone in the loft. "When I shift at all, my eyes are blue."

Peter seems pleased at that answer, as evidenced in the way the corners of his lips twitch. An almost smile that Stiles wants to smack off of his face. "And do you know why that is, Stiles? Why the colour of your eyes differs from the colour of the rest of your pack? I'm sure you know Derek's are red - the colour of an Alpha. But Isaac, Erica . . . their eyes are an amber colour. A golden amber if you would like specifics."

"What's the point?" Stiles finally burst out and Peter stepped back, gesturing towards the occupants of the room.

"Would you like to explain to the class why your eyes differ from those of the rest of your pack or shall I?"

Stiles never really knew why his eyes were another colour; he had a theory that it was a result of something that happened early on but his theories usually went to shit and he stopped listening to what the internet had to say on lycanthropy. When he was silent for far too long, Peter gleefully announced to the entire room:

"They're blue because you have taken an innocent life."

The rooms feels heavy with the stunned silence, with only Scott and Derek being the ones who look uncomfortable, rather than surprised and Lydia just looks like she's about to cry.

"Who...?" Isaac started to say but before he could finish, Stiles made the decision to end this now. Let Peter have his sick, twisted little excitement for the night.

"It was Allison, okay??" Stiles finally explodes, looking exasperated, ashamed, guilty and he feels sick. Really, really sick. "Allison Argent. She was Scott's girlfriend when I was turned and I just - I lost it okay? I was jealous and I wanted to scare her. I figured if I had her meet me on the full moon I could scare her off from Scott."

"But you misjudged your lack of experience and control," Peter added, smirking. "You killed her by mistake but it doesn't matter, now does it? You took an innocent life and the life of a hunter's daughter. You've put a red X on your entire pack."

"What do you want me to do, surrender myself up to the Argents and say, hey, sorry for killing your daughter, I wasn't in my right mind?" Before Stiles can continue, he feels Derek's hand clamp at the back of his neck - a soothing gesture and he tries to get himself to calm down some. He realises this entire thing is his fault but at the same time, there is nothing he can do now. Blood had been spilled and together, as a pack, they would deal with it.

Erica's tranquilliser is wearing off enough now that she can sit up on her own and is watching her wound as it heals. Isaac is sitting with her and Derek echoes Peter: no one is leaving the loft tonight, not until they're all made very aware of just how big this threat is now. The humans are safe, Derek reckons, but Stiles is the one that needs to be kept safe. Stiles is the one that the Argents want.

But Stiles had other ideas. He wasn't about to let the pack take the fall for this. It was his mistake, and he was going to fix it, no matter what it took.

  
× × × × × ×

  
Stiles is in the middle of the hottest shower his body can handle when the idea comes to him. It is extremely selfish in a way but at the same time it isn't. It just fixes two problems with one solution. Stiles practically slips as he finishes his shower and wraps a towel around himself, rushing out of the bathroom to grab his cell phone from his bedroom, and it isn't to send a message to Derek, Scott or Lydia... he sends one to Peter.

  
`what would it take to bring allison back?`

  
Peter's reply back is a scathing one, wordy, about how stupid Stiles really must be. That his mistake wouldn't be so easily swept under the rug but Stiles has been known for his persistence.

  
`no im serious. it stops the hunters from picking away at my pack and it gives them allison back. maybe fixes scott. what do you want in return? what can i do?`

  
A few seconds pass before Peter replies, telling Stiles to meet him in private. They arrange a place and a few minutes later, Stiles is drying his hair and getting dressed. The entire thing gives Stiles the feeling that he's making a deal with the devil but if he can do this, no matter what the cost, then he will. To keep his pack safe. For this to be one less thing Derek has to worry about. So the Argents have their only child back and so maybe Scott can have the happiness he, too, deserves.

  
× × × × × × × × × × × ×

**Author's Note:**

> AUTHOR'S NOTE: I realise panic and anxiety attacks (while two separate things) are different for everyone, I used my own extensive experience with them for Stiles' own. My own experiences with box breathing/deep breathing as a way to 'come down' from them is my way of dealing before the klonopin works. If you suffer from anxiety and would feel you may benefit from CBT or other forms of therapy, please check out this resource in the US: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/index.shtml and this if you're in Canada, like me: http://www.anxietycanada.ca/
> 
> Remember: you're not alone, and my inbox here (as well as on Tumblr) is always open <3


End file.
